Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.

The weekend after Mother's Day my sister Pati was in town, and I spent some time with her taking her Intensati classes that she was conducting locally. We watched the movie "Babies" together just before she went back to New York City.

Pati's story is really amazing and inspiring. After graduating from high school here in San Jose she just decided to go to New York and carve out a career for herself. Now she has a book out along with numerous videos and has appeared on the Today Show. You can read all about her at  http://www.satilife.com.

But Pati's grandest undertaking is still in the works. She is six months pregnant with Olivia.

My mother gave birth to 11 children. She wasn't your typical "June Cleaver" kind of mother.  She was always on the go, always had something going on. Things were happening when my mother was around.

And there are good and bad aspects to having that kind of mother. Sometimes, the "June Cleaver" model seemed pretty appealing. Wouldn't it have been nice to have had someone who was always there for you?

But I am convinced that "June Cleaver" could not have produced someone like my sister Pati. Pati has a lot of my dad's inner calmness, so she is not a carbon copy of my mother by any means. But she is a doer, as was my mother. And she is beautiful, like my mother. Both my parents were very proud of her.

One of the great points from the movie "Babies" is that it clearly shows that there is more than one way to raise a child. Pati and I watched it together, myself with nostalgia for my babies grown up, Pati with anticipation for Olivia.

That is one thing about babies. You always have anticipation for them to move to the next level, to smile, to rollover, to crawl and then stand. That is another great feature of the movie "Babies". It showed you that babies are perfect, right where they are.

Divorce and Violence

Once again I have experienced a murder associated with a divorce for which  I was the attorney.

In this case, it was not my client who was murdered. It was my client's son, step-son of the murderer. The murderer took his own life immediately afterwards.

There was separate litigation between my client's son and the murderer. This litigation began when the murderer effectively ended his marriage by bringing out a girlfriend he had met on-line. He and the girlfriend needed a place to stay, and that place was where my client's son was living. My client's son had a partial ownership interest in the property, and he began litigation in an effort to be paid for his interest.

There were no restraining orders filed in this case. There had been no previous violence. Everyone knew that my client's husband had many guns and that he could get upset and in your face. There were times during the litigation between the two that precautions were taken by the son.  But it appeared that a settlement had been reached before the step-father resorted to violence.

The on-line girlfriend left a short time after moving in. Apparently, when communicating over the internet, it is possible to disguise a cranky and disagreeable personality. But when things got up close and personal, when long walks on the beach at sunset turned into constant arguing over trifles, the girlfriend was gone and the litigation remained.

My client's son was unarmed when gunned down outside his house, his wife and three small children inside. What could be more cowardly? Of course the coward could not face the consequences of this vile act, and so he took his own life immediately afterward.

For many people it would not be a surprise that a life constructed of anger and distrust had an end result that was a steaming pile of horse manure. But even when or if my client's husband realized what he had created, he still had the possibility of turning his life in a different direction. I believe there is hope for all of us, and that no matter what the circumstances, redemption is possible. But turning towards redemption does take a mighty effort.

That may have been what the on-line girlfriend was all about. He probably thought that the steaming pile of horse manure was really just a figment of the imagination of those close to him. The girlfriend would love him for who he wished he was, the person of good intentions that he created on the internet. But the girlfriend was the equivalent of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

When the smell drove her out shortly after she arrived, there was just no getting around it. The steaming pile wasn't going away on its own. To get rid of that he would need insight into what caused it and some compassion for others to create a desire to get rid of it. It would require work, hard work but good work.

Instead my client's husband chose the path of virtually no effort at all. The path of a cowardly loser. And for those few who ever think of him again, that is how he shall be remembered.

Talking to the Kids About Divorce

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry came out with the following guidelines a couple of years ago, and it is good to revisit them from time to time.

Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together with your spouse.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child. 

...Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

The entire article is available at: http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce

Honesty is the First Chapter in the Book of Wisdom

The other day I had a meeting with a potential client. The client was upset when I said that the position the client wanted to take was not supported by the law and was unlikely to be successful in court.

"That's not what I want to hear." the client said.

"That may be so." I replied. "But it is the truth."

Divorce is very disruptive to the status quo. But it is imperative that we tell the clients the truth about their situation. Oftentimes there are strategies or alternatives that are better than others, and we help our clients achieve the best result possible. But strategies and alternatives are worthless if not based upon reality.

So I preach and mainly practice a fierce devotion to the truth. I may not tell you what you want to hear. But I will tell you what you need to hear.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Thomas Jefferson

Two Things You Can Learn From Sandra Bullock

First of all let me make clear that I don't know either of the parties to the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James marriage. I have no inside information and no opinion about whether America's klutzy sweetheart should have married or should stay married to the biker dude. But a couple of things are clear to me.

1st of all, your accomplishments, good looks and wealth are not enough to prevent your marriage from being in jeopardy. There are two people in every marriage, and your good qualities alone cannot prevent the other person from being unhappy. Perhaps they should, to a reasonable outside observer. Doesn't matter. Sometimes, its just not about you.

Secondly, history matters. As William Faulkner said, "The past isn't dead. It isn't even past."

James had been married twice before he married Bullock and had three children. Now, its not that you can never ever marry someone who was previously married. You can. But should you marry someone who has failed at marriage twice? Hmmm...That is not so clear-cut. But even if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, consider the fact that his most recent marriage was to a stripper.  Hmmmm...And that James got custody of their child together because this ex-wife was in jail. Hmmmmmmm...

Although I don't know Bullock personally, I don't see her as a stripper-inmate-type of person.  And while certainly people can change, the stripper-inmate was James' wife just before he met Bullock. So he has a recent history of  attraction to a type of person who seems diametrically opposed to Bullock's public persona.

As Damon Runyan once said, "The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet."