Divorce and Violence

Once again I have experienced a murder associated with a divorce for which  I was the attorney.

In this case, it was not my client who was murdered. It was my client's son, step-son of the murderer. The murderer took his own life immediately afterwards.

There was separate litigation between my client's son and the murderer. This litigation began when the murderer effectively ended his marriage by bringing out a girlfriend he had met on-line. He and the girlfriend needed a place to stay, and that place was where my client's son was living. My client's son had a partial ownership interest in the property, and he began litigation in an effort to be paid for his interest.

There were no restraining orders filed in this case. There had been no previous violence. Everyone knew that my client's husband had many guns and that he could get upset and in your face. There were times during the litigation between the two that precautions were taken by the son.  But it appeared that a settlement had been reached before the step-father resorted to violence.

The on-line girlfriend left a short time after moving in. Apparently, when communicating over the internet, it is possible to disguise a cranky and disagreeable personality. But when things got up close and personal, when long walks on the beach at sunset turned into constant arguing over trifles, the girlfriend was gone and the litigation remained.

My client's son was unarmed when gunned down outside his house, his wife and three small children inside. What could be more cowardly? Of course the coward could not face the consequences of this vile act, and so he took his own life immediately afterward.

For many people it would not be a surprise that a life constructed of anger and distrust had an end result that was a steaming pile of horse manure. But even when or if my client's husband realized what he had created, he still had the possibility of turning his life in a different direction. I believe there is hope for all of us, and that no matter what the circumstances, redemption is possible. But turning towards redemption does take a mighty effort.

That may have been what the on-line girlfriend was all about. He probably thought that the steaming pile of horse manure was really just a figment of the imagination of those close to him. The girlfriend would love him for who he wished he was, the person of good intentions that he created on the internet. But the girlfriend was the equivalent of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

When the smell drove her out shortly after she arrived, there was just no getting around it. The steaming pile wasn't going away on its own. To get rid of that he would need insight into what caused it and some compassion for others to create a desire to get rid of it. It would require work, hard work but good work.

Instead my client's husband chose the path of virtually no effort at all. The path of a cowardly loser. And for those few who ever think of him again, that is how he shall be remembered.

Talking to the Kids About Divorce

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry came out with the following guidelines a couple of years ago, and it is good to revisit them from time to time.

Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together with your spouse.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child. 

...Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

The entire article is available at: http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce